The Downtrodden

When I was younger I always wondered how people got certain ways.  Such as how people got fat.  Seriously, I looked at people who maybe at one point had been skinny and wondered how they got so big.  Quietly of course, I didn't stare and point.  I just didn't understand how an active person who eats reasonably healthy could balloon up.  And then it happened to me (damn I feel an after school special coming on!). I was someone who was always pretty skinny.  I got a little chunky by my standards, which meant I went from a size 32 waist (scary that I'm 6'1") to a balloon shaped 36.  Not quite so bad to some but to me it was a lot.  Fast forward to living in NYC and I'm down to a reasonable 33-34" waist.  Walking, bartending, fight training (Muay Thai), I peaked two weeks before what was supposed to be my first fight at 157 lbs.  Sounds scary but I was eating a ton just in small portions spread out through the day so I was never hungry and never ever lacked proper nutrition.

Then came the new job.

No time to train, no longer on my feet bartending everyday, not walking nearly as much because I don't have the free time and not working in the city anymore.  About a year, maybe a year and a half I was up to 217 lbs.  Back to the 36" waistline. Now I'm kind of exaggerating the weight gain, my fight weight is about 30 lbs. less than my walking around weight of 185.  I just also realized that some people might be from other countries, so...I weighed 14 stones or about 89 kg.  No math needed, that came straight from me head. 

It wasn't like I just allowed myself to gain weight.  I still desired to stay active, I just didn't have the time.  Or I should say I made choices about how to spend my time.  I chose to invest heavily in my job.  I chose to write more and more.  I chose to spend time with my girlfriend at the time.  I tried to be active but at the end of the day there was often just no time.  So I porked up a little before I knew what was happening.

That brought me to this year.  I'm 33 years old, and someone told me many famous people achieved great things in their 33rd year.  When I heard that I believed I would too and so far I have.  I've lost some weight but nowhere near fighting weight (or shape).  Again I really find myself focusing on work, the job.  My passion has forced its way to the front and I'm writing more and more everyday.  Even finished the book of short stories and now I'm moving onto the next project for the first time in years.  My love life isn't where it needs to be but I know I have to take care of certain things before I will let myself be truly happy with someone.  I liken it to allowing myself get fat for a while.  You make choices on what you're going to invest in because our time is limited and most of us need downtime to watch our crappy TV shows, play video games, or read a book.   

These choices are hard, but they are also short term.  I gained weight before because I chose to focus on other important things, yet I've lost half of what I had gained in only a few months.  I've put my love life on the back burner so I could focus on other things that will also give my life true meaning, but I haven't forgotten my passions.  These choices are the pain of the downtrodden, they just don't realize it.  They struggle and fall and start to believe this is their life.  It's not.  Those that finally pull themselves up see the truth but when you're walking through the sludge you believe you're never going to be free again.  Your dream, your goal is not insignificant.  It's going to be part of what defines you in the end.  You have to pay the price, that's all these choices are.  Keep towards your goal and the price will be paid back with interest.

I Now Understand People

I know what you're thinking, why?  Because I understand people.  Always have.  As a bartender I knew people always wanted another drink.  Sometimes possibly they wanted food or the bill.  I even thought of starting my own psychic hot line until I realized then I'd be using my powers for money.  And I hate doing paperwork for small businesses, even my own.  Damn government and their NAFTA.

Something else occurred to me while all this epiphany was happening.  Something I didn't want to accept for decades because I've always been a carefree wanderer.  Time is important.  Our time on this Earth is important (it's a proper noun Robin, I can capitalize it!).  I've never been one to pull away when a friend, lover, or family needs something.  I've always rushed to help or to lend my ear.  Thing is, the older we get the wiser we get (hopefully).  I don't think anyone in my life would let anyone drown, but those who are ready to be saved, ready to be helped, have to at least to tread water.  As someone who seems to trip and fall down often, gonna go with because I'm reckless, I know why people don't always rush to my side. 

It's not that sometimes I don't need help.  It's that sometimes I don't know which direction to go. I have to really figure that out for myself first.  Point in case (an expression which never made sense to me and I don't know if I'm using it correctly now), when I first moved to NYC I just wanted a job.  I thought I would be a Product Manager like I was in Minnesota and so I kept applying to those jobs.  I'm not a Product Manager though, I have never been one.  I'm was a Buyer.  Yeah I didn't know what I was, but had I took the time to talk with people in NYC about what I liked to do, what I had experience with, then maybe someone would have pointed me in the right direction.  When you're looking for help, when someone is reaching out, they need to make sure they've done the spiritual journey to see what they're truly looking for.  Otherwise they just end up floundering in the sea instead of swimming to the shore.  (See that analogy?  Booyah grandma.  Booyah).

And now a pic of me all professional because it's my blog and I look sexy.